i want to have a week long bath in a tub filled with lemon juice and salt and splash my legs around like when i was young but not pee in the bath like when i was young

i want to spew up all that is inside of me including my internal organs and get a series of different shaped brushes and clean my organs and then swallow them back up so that they are inside me again and drink detoxifying wheat grass juices and soy milk and eat some broccoli

i want to tell that man from last night that i thought it was weird that a rich GM of one of the biggest companies in the state was flirting with me in sweet and also very inappropriate manners. i never want to tell him that although he is twice my age one of the first things i thought about him was sex

i want to be rich but not do the things he does to get rich because that would be me selling my soul. and to be honest i would rather go dumpstering than to doyles if it means selling my soul

i understand we have different souls

sometimes i very secretly think that i am an alien

because when i try to probe the minds of others when we have serious discussions about suicide to not so serious discussions about epilators i really try to get in deep like i’m on the verge of discovering el dorado even though i am always swamped with doubts as to how accurate my readings of the innermost workings of their minds are

also when i was young, although i wasn’t particularly ugly except for maybe when i was twelve and looked like a boy with long hair or in high school when i had hairy legs and spoke about masturbating a lot i was pretty smart and good at sport too like second in my grade

actually maybe i was pretty ugly but the cool group still liked me and wanted me to be their friend and some of the popular boys said i was hot so musn't have been a complete pariah but i always always always felt like an absolute loser. i hated life. a lot

even these days sometimes i just hate life just because of the things in this world and i’m so not pro-life because i the way i see it is i never asked to be here and if you were to show me a five-minute trailer of what my life would be like if i chose yes i would say no. and that’s because i would see that the majority of my life would be spent feeling hateful and lonely and confused and very very angry at lots of people and very very sad and depressed about even more people and all the good things would never make up for it. lindt chocolate, minties and red wine even when its less than eight dollars a bottle are all pretty good but still

additionally sometimes when i smoke i have so much fun but then i feel the overwhelming and unexplainable need to throw the whole jar of Nutella into the sea and throw punches at people just to be MORE of an outsider. how much sense does that make

i have weird bone structure in my feet and one day a friend said what happened to your feet and i said i was born like this and he said oh

and often I think things are interesting or humorous when no one else thinks so and do embarrassing things and my friends and family get ashamed and i don’t understand why and we end up fighting

furthermore for a whole week all I did was reject invitations to go out with my friends and watched space documentaries on youtube

sometimes i very secretly think that i am an alien because i don’t understand how humans work in very basic senses but then do on more complex levels

also i am not very good at life

the end

How to Confuse People

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

How badly do you want to get people confused? It'll take a day or two to master, but it's easy!

Steps

1. Frequently state untruths. A variety of obvious and subtle lies are ideal in achieving maximum levels of confusion. An example of an obvious lie is, “I am, in fact, an alien. Thousands of years ago a contingent of my people chanced upon your planet when they got lost on their way to a popular holiday spot. There are many of us that live among you.” A nice finishing touch to this lie could be lowering your voice a number of octaves and look them unblinkingly in the eye as you utter the last sentence. Contrastingly, a subtle lie is one which could be construed as either true or untrue. These are particularly confusing as people generally don’t know what to believe. An example of a subtle lie is, “I haven’t changed my underwear in three days.”
   
2. For your untruths to maintain their ability to confuse you must also state many obvious facts. A great way to demonstrate you don’t babble palaver all the time is to remain up-to-date with the news and engage in serious discussions regarding current national and international events and issues. Prime topics include, but are not limited to, climate change, politics and religion. Other great avenues for serious discussion include film, books and the price of rental properties. Ensure you have conducted sufficient research on these topics so that your opinion is well-supported. Punctuating your palaver with well-informed and intelligent discussion will exponentially increase others’ confusion.
   
3. NEVER admit that you were lying. Even if you develop a reputation for being a well-informed, curious and intelligent individual remain adamant that you never lie. This reputation, juxtaposed with your blatant fabrications and your understated falsehoods will guarantee maximum levels of confusion. Indeed, admitting that you have told lies renders all future obvious untruths void- if people think you believe your own lies their levels of confusion will intensify.
   
4. Engage in socially unacceptable behaviour. When saying goodbye to a friend or colleague, try to kiss them. At other times, turn around and walk away without saying goodbye. Another great way to be socially unacceptable (and please note the best time to do this is when wearing a suit- the more extreme the juxtapositions, the better) is to smell people. When walking down a busy street with a colleague you are trying to confuse you could appear to be attempting to remain covert as you smell a variety of strangers. Note: it’s best to smell them from behind so as to reduce the chances of them noticing you. Crossing your eyes during a business meeting, smelling your arm-pits in formal milieus and laughing at things that are not humourous in any context are other examples of confusing actions. A plethora of behaviour could be used, get creative!
   

Tips

• Juxtapose, juxtpose, juxtapose! You can never juxtapose frequently or extremely enough in your noble quest to confuse the hell out of people.
  
• Don't let social conventions limit your creativity! In fact, the more your demonstrate complete and utter disrespect for social norms the more confusing you will be, particularly if you ensure this is contrasted with the Hugo Boss suit you're wearing. However, if you forsee the possibility of offending a thoroughly reasonable and easy-going individual its a good idea to rethink your planned action.
  
• Don't only tell one type of lie and exclude meaningful conversation from your conversation. Following these steps will ensure utmost confusion in achieved.
  

Warnings

• Try your best not to offend genuinely reasonable individuals.
  
• Some behaviours are illegal, such as harrassment. Continued harrassing behaviour directed to the same individual/s may result in legal action.
  
• Take being serious seriously. When engaging in meaningful and provoking conversations behave accordingly.
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Confuse People. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Perhaps I'm the quintessential university student. I have $12 in my bank account, owe $100 on my credit card and am one week in arrears on my rent. Today, whilst drunk, I walked through the supermarket filling my basket with canned soup and the cheap brands of milk and bread whilst sheepishly devouring half of an absolutely delectable chicken. I've tried to be vegetarian, not just for the ethical reason of not wanting to partake in the commodification of animals (and farming animals simply isn't sustainable in any case) but for the economic reasons of wanting to save my dollars. Meat is expensive, there's no doubt about that. I’m also the type of student that meets deadlines through the realisation of them via word of mouth. I am in a constant state of complacency which is frequently punctuated by episodes of panic induced by a fellow student asking me how I am going with a particular assignment. This is juxtaposed with the fact that I'm actually a bit of a perfectionist; on an essay we weren’t even marked on made sure I did the things I needed to just to see all the “exceeds expectations” boxes ticked. It’s a bizarre combination, even to me.


Another fact that perhaps slots me into the perfect representation of a uni student is that I'm single. I just read my last post and hope to never be there again. Of course, Harry has tried on numerous occasions now to get back in my good books but there is nothing in me that wants any part of him. After years of (superstitiously) not admitting to myself or others that I wanted to be in one of those beautiful things called a relationship I have now swung a 180. I have consciously decided that absolute truth is absolute freedom. Whether I confess the truth to others is one thing, but admitting the truth to oneself is paramount in achieving clarity, self-assurance and peace.


My life is actually quite close to perfect. On the surface it appears to be a messy and unstable collection of consequences that resulted from a series of equally messy and unstable choices made by a chaotic and irresponsible individual. It is, in fact, the result of the manifestation of a choice that was made after years of mind-numbing questioning, periods of desolate confusion and what must accumulate to be months infatuated deliberation. The choice I made was to accept what it was I was born to do, despite the doubt and the fear that plagued me like an all enveloping, omnipotent disease. The choice I made gives me a sense of purpose to my being. Bizarrely, I feel new.

I went for a run today and it cleared my thoughts. I felt as if I had a halo or a beam of light emanating from my head because I felt like I had come so far in just half an hour. I was going to speak to Harry about everything that was in my head, the things that were there after speaking to Gabriele about it, that life-changing moment where you don’t realise it until it’s over and another cloud has been lifted from your reality.

What I was going to tell him was this; I am a woman, this is different from a man. A man can be intimate with a woman and feel nothing. As a woman I feel things, not love but what can best be described simply as feelings. And as a woman I can do things, see things, experience things and sometimes I am funny. I am a woman, and that is why I need to be treated as one. I want to do things, cuddle on the couch, go to the movies and have dinner. All of these things do not mean that I will fall in love with you, because it is hard for a woman to fall in love. The behaviour a woman demonstrates when she is with a man can sometimes be misconstrued as love. But no, more than our need to love comes our need to FEEL loved, and that is why we want to do all those things a real couple does as it insinuates the man cares for her. The things a woman can do like be clingy, want to be near the man all the time and want to do things for them and want the man to do things for her isn’t her falling in love; this is her wanting to feel loved. And I would only EVER fall in love with someone who was intelligent, funny, sincere, has integrity and who loves me. So you don’t have to worry about me falling in love with you.

But when Harry walked into the living room, did not bother to say hi and when I asked him for a cigarette he threw it onto the couch next to me and walked off without a word, my halo vanished. Anger saturated me and I knew that this was it- I was going to do better.

I realise I am very angry, angry and hurt and upset. Because I feel as if I will never be loved and that I am unlovable. I am now 24 and am still as single as I was when I broke up with David four years ago. Four years- that’s  a sixth of my life or even more than half of the period in my life when I started dating boys. The ratios don’t look promising. I find myself feeling jealous of every girl who has what I don’t, especially when they talk about it or I see her cuddling her man, I feel sick and cynical but really I feel SAD. So sad I can barely admit it to myself. 

I was doing some research and chanced across Wikihow (how was I not aware of a website so ingenious before?) This chance meeting was (at least for the current obsessed moment) monumental. I now have a perfect avenue to write about hilarious self-help topics AND avoid uni work at the same time...

How to Avoid Getting Bored During a Conversation

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Some folks become quite boring during a conversation, and you are not an exception. Many conversations actually boring themselves. It is not hard to avoid them, but it is not entirely easy either.

Steps

1. Attempt to induce embarrassment in your conversation partner. Behaviours such as excessively sharing personal information, asking personal questions and making comments that you anticipate will result in nervous and embarrassed laughter are a sure fire way to add interest to a boring conversation. Examples include, ‘Yes I love travelling too. But there are so many negative things that can happen, like once I had diarrhoea in Bolivia and the toilet didn’t have toilet paper so I had to wipe it with this finger here,’ or ‘Do you ever turn your underpants inside out when you don’t have any spares?’ Be careful not to completely offend the other person, unless you foresee the conversation will continue to waste minutes of your life that you will never get back.
   
2. Have ways in which you suggest to a person that they are being boring but in a half-joking manner. A succinct and direct way to do this is by saying, ‘Wow, that was a great story. AND you told it so well.” Sometimes, depending on the dynamic and the individual themselves they may become offended, and it is important to consider sundry reactions such as violent swearing to a slap on the face. When you say this, ensure the dynamic is right and also say it with a smile on your face to insinuate a joke.
   
3. Some conversations may not just be boring, but may offend you in some way. The best way to handle this situation is by telling them in the most direct way possible, leaving nothing to subtlety. An example might be; ‘You know what, (this political person) is (something synonymous to ‘not a nice person’) and I believe (insert opinion here). If a conversation offends you, as a general rule you are permitted to offend the other person. The high-road is to excuse yourself, however quite often emotions such an indignant anger can stifle the motivation to do so.
   
4. Subtlety is not always a bad thing- you can insinuate to the person that you don’t find their conversation thrilling through body language. Examples include not making eye-contact and glancing around the room, laughing at things that are happening around you when the other person is mid-sentence and interrupting them mid-sentence with a completely different topic. All of these things should clearly imply your lack of interest in the conversation.
   
5. If all of these overt and covert cues fail, CUT YOUR LOSSES. Not all conversations are going to be enjoyable and/or mentally stimulating. Excuses such as ‘I have to go to the bathroom’ or ‘I’m going to get another drink’ are great ways you can remove yourself from a person without having to return. And, because you never implied that you would return you technically can’t get into trouble.
   

Tips

• Being radical isn't always a bad thing.
  
• Feel free to voice your opinions but ensure you do so in a tactful, diplomatic way. Unless they REALLY don't get the point, whereby it's almost advised to be direct for their own sake.
  
• Alcohol in the correct amounts can almost always make a conversation interesting. Excessive drinking is not, however, advisable, even if a conversation is really really boring.
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Avoid Getting Bored During a Conversation. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

How to Get Your Family to Be Naked

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Many people don't know how to get their family involved in the nudist movement. Here's how!

Steps

1. Do it in a gradual and natural way. One of the biggest mistakes is to suddenly start gallivanting around your family's house with absolutely no clothes on and anticipate their acceptance of what most would consider an extreme and radical change in behaviour. This practice can be particularly disastrous if your family harbours conservative views regarding nudity. In conservative households, try to get them used to nudity by gradually showing more and more skin over time. This can be achieved by walking around the living room in your towel, walking into your parents’ room for a quick question in your underwear paired with a shirt, and so on. Depending on your family’s reactions, sooner or later you can start having chats to them in just your underwear and then with no clothes at all. Another good way to expose your family is by ensuring you are nude in your room ALL THE TIME, so whenever they walk in they catch you naked.
   
2. Handle resistance with normalcy. Behave as if it is typical behaviour and shrug it off. If they don’t like it give the no clothes mission a break for a couple of weeks and try it again, behaving as if you didn’t think about the fact you are partially naked. They may or may not become more comfortable however increased exposure to something can generate acceptance. Also it is important to be prepared for physical violence, depending on the family and how resistance manifests itself in them. If they feel particularly opposed to nakedness they may resort to pushing and shoving to slapping- it is paramount that as a revoluntionary you are prepared for such a response and understand warning signs.
   
3. Accept that it may take time. Not everyone is going to feel comfortable with nakedness, even within their own family. They may even choose to be violently vociferous regarding their opinions, depending on how they feel about it.
   
4. Let them know that you like to be naked. You can do this by voicing your opinions in discrete ways, such as at the dinner table. Anytime the opportunity arises, such as a discussion regarding art you can introduce the topic of nude art, nude Roman statues or photography. Discuss your opinions on nudity, such as that nudity is a beautiful manifestation of nature.
   
5. Demonstrate that nudity isn’t necessarily a perverted thing but an aspect of life. Again the topic of nudity as depicted in high brow art can prove useful to achieve this. To solidify this principle you can purchase a plethora of art that depicts nudity and display them in prominent places in your bedroom and around the house.
   
6. Make them feel comfortable being nude around the house and encourage this behaviour. When you see a family member being a little more naked than usual, praise them. You can say things like, “Wow, that diet has really been working for you”, or “Good on you for not feeling self-conscious about your body because the naked body is a natural aspect of life and we as progressive and forward thinking adults can appreciate this and not demonstrate behaviour that reflects the internalisation of the rules our often bureaucratic society imposes on us.” This is known as operant conditioning, whereby desired behaviour is encouraged through positive reinforcement.
   
7. Take them to nude beaches. This is a great way to demonstrate how nudity does not have to be limited to the household and meet others who share similar beliefs.
   

Tips

• A gradual implementation of nudity by doing it yourself first is a great starting step.
  
• It's all about framing nudity in a different way to what they may perceive it to be.
  
• If they don't enjoy or agree, act cavalier until they do.
  

Warnings

• Be prepared for vociferous resistance. Pushing the issue may even result in violence.
  
• Some public places will not allow nudity. If you do so you may be charged and ensuing consequences may include a fine or even a prison sentence if repeat and frequent nudity occurs.
  
• Do not share photos of them. This may be illegal in some states and they also may not like it.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Practice Nudity in Your Family
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Get Your Family to Be Naked. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.